“If God wanted us to use the metric system, he would’ve made ten fingers equal to a foot.”

A long time ago, in a land filled with unpaid interns and $12 coffees, a group of men in suits decided that money should *breed.*

Timothee Chalomet failed drivers ed, Post Malone can’t do hard math, and Taylor Swift pet my dog without asking.

Here’s a fun fact: cities are made up. Not just the names—the whole idea.

Let’s start with a hard truth: brands aren’t real. They don’t exist. They’re figments of our collective imagination, like unicorns, Bigfoot, or your high school GPA. You’re out here pledging eternal loyalty to a logo. To a font.

Imagine a parrot. A really, really smart parrot. One that’s read all of Wikipedia, all of Reddit (yes, even the cursed parts), and every recipe for banana bread ever written. That’s AI. It’s the know-it-all friend at trivia night who’s never actually lived a day outside the basement — but will still argue with you about how to parallel park.

I know, I know—after 36 hours of labor, 8,000 diapers, and one wildly regrettable family trip to Disney World, that may be hard to hear. But hang in there. Let’s unpack this idea with a little humor, a pinch of science, and a lot of caffeine.

Someone made up the rules. The calendar. The metrics. The pressure. This isn’t about rejecting reality. It’s about understanding who built it, why it worked, and deciding, intentionally, which parts still deserve your energy.

Your personality isn’t determined by the stars. Mercury isn’t in retrograde just because your Wi-Fi dropped. And no, Chad didn’t ghost you because he’s a Sagittarius with a Capricorn moon. He ghosted you because he’s Chad.

You think the Earth needs 24 different times? No. Earth is just spinning in a circle, minding its own business. It’s humans who decided to slap an invisible grid on it and start calling it “8:00 AM in Newark” and “tomorrow in Australia.”